Loneliness-emotional, social and existential (a deep sense of separation from everyone else even when people are around you). Loneliness is an emotional state where a person misses a deep bond with friends or a partner, struggles to socialise (isolation), has no regular stimulating hobbies, prone to doom scrolling (aimlessly spending excessive amount of time online flicking through social media platforms), underpinned with an inability to reach out and ask for help.

“Loneliness has followed me my whole life. Everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There’s no escape. I’m God’s lonely man”.

Classic quote from the movie Taxi Driver 1976

Loneliness vs Being Alone

Being alone-solitude and isolation. This could be a forced situation (a child sent to their bedroom for example) but more often it’s a choice that could be helpful or distressing depending on a persons ability to logically address the situation or ruminate too much and blow everything out of proportion.

Loneliness is often misunderstood

Loneliness can fuel feeling sorry for yourself or playing the victim. This trait affords others little in the way of tolerance and can see this role as an unnecessary, self-indulgent behaviour. Loneliness and its common bed fellow-a sense of inadequacy fuels depression, anxiety, mood swings, emotional dysregulation (prone to shutting down and feeling vulnerable) leading to casual substance abuse and process addictions such as gambling or gaming that can develop into a daily compulsion. Loneliness, in social situations can be very distressing for the sufferer who may well feel intimidated by social groups and may struggle to join in conversations due to underlying inadequacies and a fear of faltering and not being accepted or judged.

What causes loneliness?

Childhood trauma- Emotional and physical neglect, lack of affirmation and hugs for example (touch deprivation). Family tension and rules such as “we do not discuss feelings”, sibling rivalry, bullying and competitive home environment. Warring parents, separation or divorce. Demanding or under involved parenting regarding academia-sport and school events. Comparing a child with a child from another family, death in the family or prolonged illness. Verbal and non-verbal family communication (Whatever is said -empty promises and angry moments are just as potent as closed body language and what is not said).

Some children can experience a fairly ‘Secure Attachment’ at home but any sudden change in the family dynamic could have a detrimental effect such as a newborn, lose of a grandparent, communication style changes, the family relocating-moving schools, or family focus on a sick sibling for example.

An insecure child driven by fear of rejection, need for validation, and a desire for close emotional intimacy has what’s known as an ‘Anxious Attachment’ Style. A child with a strong need for independence and avoids emotional closeness has an ‘Avoidant Attachment’ Style leaving them circling on the outside of the family system.

There are no guarantees in any family system how outgoing and seemingly confident a child will become or how closed off and avoidant they will be in life. However, we can safely say that directly underneath their persona is a fragility that will be tested as they go to university, take a gap year and explore intimate relationships and meet new challenges that may well disrupt their core beliefs.

“My proposed solution is simple: don’t waste a lot of time and money pushing kids in directions they don’t want to go. Instead, find out what weirdness they excel at and encourage them to do that. Then get out of the way”

Seth Godin-American author & entrepreneur

Depression vs loneliness

This is very much a two-way street whereby loneliness can cause a depressive state of mind and depression can trigger chronic loneliness leading to social withdrawal, creating a debilitating cycle that can be very difficult to break. If not addressed, long periods of isolation and loneliness can lead to serious health problems both mentally and physically.

Feeling depressed (sad or low mood) usually lasts a few days but clinical depression (a clinically diagnosed depressive disorder) means that a person’s communication pathways and chemical messenger systems are impaired requiring a combination of talk therapy, lifestyle changes and medication in order to positively impact mental health functioning. There may also be a family history of depression creating a predisposition to depression. The brain has neuroplasticity which means it can change and heal over time with the right support.

Just taking medication or just receiving talk therapy is not enough when it comes to addressing loneliness and depression. It is extremely important to add lifestyle management to the whole package of recovery which is why the weekly programme at Twin Rivers Recovery includes yoga, meditation, walking and regular visits to the local gymnasium and swimming pool.

Loneliness and addiction

“People don’t fake depression; they fake being ok”

The depressive state of chronic loneliness can push people in to catastrophic directions, especially as reaching out and asking for help will not feel like an option and the sufferer quietly feels more and more isolated and misunderstood.

A sense of loneliness and emptiness can lead to self-medicating in an attempt to feel better, to be more social and alleviate feeling of depression. This is a very slippery slope when a person starts to self-medicate to “feel better”, rapidly leading to dependency, obsessive and compulsive behaviours and a preoccupation in wanting to avoid emotional pain and discomfort, negatively impacting daily functioning and creating a vicious cycle that erodes both physical and mental health.

Addiction and mental health treatment

Loneliness and depression can go undetected for years hidden behind a fake persona that can fool family, colleagues, partners and friends. A person may well seem to be functioning reasonably well but internally there is emotional turmoil that is hidden behind people pleasing – being over helpful, obsessive friendships, oversharing when someone is listening, isolation, quietly comparing themselves with others and saying “I’m fine” too often. They painfully glide through social events and unsatisfactory relationships and some people engage in self-medicating (prescription pills, drugs and alcohol) in an attempt to cope which will actually make the situation worse.

Twin Rivers Recovery recognises the importance of addressing addiction and mental health issues simultaneously as both elements are intertwined and negatively feed off one another. Treatment efficacy is dependent on a combined clinical team effort, affording each client an opportunity to gain insight into the feelings and behaviours that fuel dysfunctional thought patterns that lead to cravings and a potential relapse.

Disclaimer: This article is intended for educational purposes only and should not replace professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

Twin Rivers Recovery
95 Longships Drive
Plettenberg Bay 6600
South Africa